Mastering the Art of Listening

Mastering the Art of Listening

Listening stands at the foundation of effective leadership in ministry. As a spiritual leader, your ability to listen strengthens your connections. It opens the door to spiritual growth and understanding. Through an intentional listening practice, you can discern your people’s needs, and respond to them with compassion and wisdom. Mastering the art of listening can strengthen your ministry and make a positive difference in the lives of those you serve.

In this blog, I will explore the impact of active listening, and provide practical insights to enhance this skill in your spiritual and communal journey. Join me as we uncover the transformative power of mastering the art of listening, and its ability to enrich our spiritual lives.

 

Listening in Ministry

Listening is an indispensable part of effective leadership. It enables you to comprehend your community’s needs. If you listen with an open mind, you will better understand the struggles, needs, and spiritual journeys of your community. This understanding allows you to tailor your ministry accordingly, creating a safe and inclusive space. Through this deep listening, you can build empathy and meaningful relationships within your ministry.

Mastering the Art of Listening: Make a conscious effort to actively listen during meetings, services, and interactions with the members of your spiritual community. Take note of how this practice enhances your understanding and connection within the community. Don’t simply wait for your turn to speak. Focus on hearing and understanding the perspectives of others.

 

Listening as a Spiritual Practice

Listening as a spiritual practice transcends mere skill. It is an action that connects you to divine guidance. Attentive listening opens you to the subtle whispers of spiritual wisdom in your interactions, revealing deep insights and understanding. By cultivating the art of listening to God, you establish a sacred connection with the world around you. The practice allows you to be present to the needs and experiences of others. You honor their inherent worth and value, and find connection within yourself to how God is speaking through them. Incorporating listening as a spiritual practice into your daily life invites you to slow down and be fully present.

Mastering the Art of Listening: Incorporate daily reflective practices and mindful listening into your spiritual routine. Set aside regular time for quiet reflection. Pay attention to the powerful insights and connections that emerge from these moments of stillness. Ask yourself what emotional or spiritual filters you bring. Even better, what are you hearing from God? These questions can help guide your listening as a spiritual practice.

 

Listening and Conflict Resolution

As a leader, you are the spiritual guide to conflict resolution. Conflict is never resolved without listening. It requires being fully present and attentive. In order to truly understand the perspectives of others involved in the conflict, you must listen carefully. Conflict is a part of life, and if you fear it, you won’t be open to actively listen. Without active listening, there will be disconnect and further separation. Active listening demonstrates respect and validation for the other person’s feelings and opinions. By actively listening, we create a safe space for open dialogue and encourage a collaborative approach to conflict resolution.

Mastering the Art of Listening: Next time you encounter a conflict, practice active listening by fully engaging with the other person’s perspective. Pay attention to nonverbal cues and ask questions to clarify and deepen your understanding. Notice how this approach can help diffuse tension and lead to productive resolution. Don’t be afraid of the conflict. See it as an opportunity to engage in active listening and to learn about the needs of your spiritual community.

 

Mastering the transformative art of listening profoundly impacts your ministry, relationships, and spiritual growth. By cultivating this skill, you become more attuned to the needs and experiences of your spiritual community. Active listening invites you to immerse yourself in the stories of others, enriching your perspective and strengthening your bond to your community. It may not always be easy, but it is crucial to set aside our need to talk and acknowledge that we can improve as listeners.

That is why I invite you to join my upcoming Readiness 4 Renewal seminar. Through six 90-minute online sessions, you will use four specific leadership skills that promote renewal: Group Culture Awareness, Powerful Reframing, Clarifying your Call, and Gaining Alignment. These skills will help you explore the impact of group dynamics, expand your emotional intelligence and empathy, equip and empower others for community engagement, and envision your next steps toward creating a culture of renewal. All of this will lead to better listening and a stronger connection to your community. Join me and learn the power of listening in promoting renewal in our churches!

Copyright © 2023 rebekahsimonpeter.com.  All Rights Reserved.

Lessons from the Early Church: Overcoming Conflict

Lessons from the Early Church: Overcoming Conflict

Conflict is an undeniable reality in any community, including the church. If not handled properly, conflict can result in division, hurt, and, ultimately, a decline in the church’s influence and effectiveness. However, you can take practical steps to resolve conflicts within your church. Even if things don’t come out the way you want them to, you can lead your spiritual community toward a path of unity and peace.

The early church faced many challenges when it tried to integrate wildly different religious traditions, world views, and cultural expectations into one unified community. It was tough work. People being people, gossip, “my-way-ism”, and bitterness were rampant. This led to ongoing conflict. Yet, they managed to work out their differences and successfully create the church as we know it. Let’s see what lessons we can learn from the early church in overcoming conflict and what action steps you can take.

 

Gossip

In the book of Acts, people felt threatened about the inclusion of non-Jews in the community. This idea of including Gentiles was a radical departure of the way things had been done in the past. So, they gossiped. This gossip spread discord and undermined relationships. It threatened to splinter the new relationships that were forming. (See Acts 11:1-3) However, the early church set a remarkable example in handling gossip by directly communicating with the individuals involved and diligently working towards restoring relationships.

Lessons from the early church: Take a good look at yourself. If you gossip about others, stop. While it feels powerful in the moment, gossip can do more damage than good. If you hear others gossiping, ask them to stop. Seek out others hurt by gossip and apologize to them. Express a genuine openness towards others who are different than you. By doing so, you serve as a peacemaker in your community and promote unity.

 

My Way-ism

Vigorous debate marked many important decisions outlined in the New Testament. Debate turned to disagreement when people insisted on “my-way-ism.” They suffered from an inability to lay aside their own ideas in favor of a common vision and purpose. The lack of a common vision and purpose was at the root of inclusion of Jews and Gentiles in a single community, financial support for the larger church, and responses to persecution. All of this debate and disagreement led Paul to write these words to the Ephesians: “Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace” (Ephesians 4:3). Miraculously, early church leaders collaborated to find common ground, ultimately establishing a shared vision and purpose.

Lessons from the early church: Whether your conflicts are about building projects, budget constraints, or matters of human sexuality, there is something you can do. The first thing is to engage in active listening. Seek an understanding of the perspectives of others. Remember, the motivations behind another’s views may be vastly different, or surprisingly similar, to yours. The key is to inquire and ask; proper understanding can only be achieved through open dialogue.  This allows you to find common ground to move forward in unity.

 

Bitterness

Paul and Barnabas who had once been inseparable, were divided over a deep dispute of the trustworthiness of John Mark (Acts 15:36-41). In a moment of bitterness, Paul and Barnabas went their separate ways. Paul took Silas to Syria and Cilicia. Meanwhile, Barnabas took John Mark and set sail for Cyprus. It’s unclear if this break in the relationship was ever mended. In contrast, addressing conflict constructively led to reconciliation and unity, as seen in resolving the dispute over Gentile believers in Acts.

Lessons from the early church: When division leads to bitterness, don’t just turn your back on the conflict. Don’t gossip about the other. Don’t insist on things going your way. Instead, seek resolution by approaching the other with a listening ear. Pray for guidance and wisdom, and strive to find common ground that aligns with the church’s overarching mission and purpose.

 

The Church: Then and Now

The early church’s experiences reveal that conflict is not new to the church and will likely not go away anytime soon. As a church leader or member, you are responsible for guarding the church’s unity, addressing conflicts when they arise, and seeking resolution that honors God and builds up God’s people. We can learn from the past and apply those lessons to current situations. Constructive approaches to conflict resolution include openness, a willingness to listen, and a focus on unity.

Don’t wait until the next conflict arises; be proactive in building a healthy community within your church. If you are ready to take the next step, join me for an upcoming free seminar, How Christian Ministries are Achieving Success: An Introduction to Creating a Culture of Renewal®. You will learn how to cultivate a culture of renewal in your church while addressing conflicts effectively.

I have helped thousands of church leaders learn how to address conflict constructively. Now, in the wake of disaffiliations and polarizing disagreement, this is more important than ever. if you’d like to connect individually, my team and I would be happy to hear from you. To reach out to us, simply fill out this short form and we’ll be in touch!  I look forward to hearing from you.

 

Copyright © 2023 rebekahsimonpeter.com.  All Rights Reserved.

How Long Will We Put Up with Mass Shootings?

How Long Will We Put Up with Mass Shootings?

In 1999, I was co-pastoring a church in Parker, Colorado when the Columbine shooting happened in the community next door. At that time, school shootings were relatively infrequent. It was wholly unbelievable that it had happened in our community. Even more unthinkable was that it would be the beginning of a decades-long battle, where these kinds of events became increasingly frequent.

The church was flooded with broken-hearted people who wanted to know why such a tragic event had taken place. We led a series of healing services in an attempt to deal with this devastating reality.

Pictures of the victims were in every newspaper and on every broadcast. I aimed to remember the name and story of each student and teacher who had been killed. I never thought I’d see the day where non-stop shootings made it impossible to remember all who have been lost.

And now, here we are. In a time and place where mass shootings have escalated to the point that we can’t keep up with the names, the numbers, even the cities, towns, or states where they happened.

 

The Intensifying Problem of Gun Violence

On a single day this month, April 2023, there were seven mass shootings in the United States.  So far this year, there have been more mass shootings than days. And if we keep going the way we’re going, nothing is going to change.

Do churches have a say in the matter? Can faith leaders weigh in on this? You may be afraid to speak up for fear of alienating gun rights activists. Instead of thinking in the categories that society dictates, like pro-gun and anti-gun, let’s place this issue in the context of the Gospel.

Here are some questions to ask: When it comes to mass shootings, what does love look like? What does good news look like? What does faithfulness look like? How do we love our neighbors as ourselves?

Our public spaces, once considered safe, are no longer. Mass shootings take place in schools, stores, medical clinics, and churches. Add to that nightclubs, festivals, synagogues, mosques, homes, and places of work. Now, horrifyingly, sweet sixteen birthday parties. How long will we in the faith community put up with mass shootings?

 

The Church’s Role in Gun Violence

My friend James, who pastors near Tulsa in Oklahoma, insists that the church can play a positive role in ending mass shootings. “Prayers are appreciated, but the best thing we can do is to put pressure on politicians to get real about addressing the root problems. These include inadequate mental health, lack of common-sense gun policies, the pervasive culture of hate and violence, and deflecting of responsibility.” James himself has preached on these issues and encouraged members of his community to take action.

I appreciate the way James uses his pastoral authority. His courage and clarity are a great example of the way churches can take action. After all, our baptismal vows call us to resist evil, injustice, and oppression in whatever forms they present themselves, and to be a witness for the Gospel of good.

 

Next Steps

As part of my commitment to act, I’d like to offer some suggestions for next steps you can take today or in the coming week:

  • Create space for conversation in your ministry setting. Gun violence impacts everybody, and everybody is concerned, no matter what their answers are for how to deal with it.
  • Plan to preach a series on these topics.
  • Hit the streets, make calls to your congresspeople, write letters to the editor.  There are many organizations out there, many of them founded by survivors of mass shootings, working hard to change gun legislation and take positive steps in educating the public. Check them out and find concrete ways to take action.

Finally, come to my free workshop, How Christian Ministries are Achieving Success: An Introduction to Creating a Culture of Renewal. Learn how you can create a culture of renewal in your ministry and in the community around you. Because creating a new culture is integral to creating a better world for us all.

 

Adapted, edited, and re-published from The Role of the Church in Gun Violence, Rebekah Simon-Peter, June 2022.

Copyright © 2023 rebekahsimonpeter.com.  All Rights Reserved.

5 Simple Steps to Handle Conflict Like a Pro

5 Simple Steps to Handle Conflict Like a Pro

Conflict in churches is often seen as inherently negative. Perhaps conflict is a sign that we don’t love Jesus enough. Or that we don’t love each other enough. But what if it was just the opposite? What if conflict in church was a sign that people cared deeply, loved God fully, and were totally invested in the future of the church? The truth is that church conflict can be used as an opportunity for growth and progress. But getting there will take a shift in thinking, as well as embracing imperfections, discovering motivations, decoding conflicts, strategizing for success, and seeking deeper guidance. These are the 5 simple steps to handle conflict like a pro. Read on for details.

 

Step #1 Embracing Imperfections

At its core, the church is comprised of individuals who are all imperfect. This means that conflict is inevitable; we are only sometimes capable of putting aside our perspectives or finding common ground. That’s true not only of our church members but of ourselves as well.

When disagreements arise, it’s important to practice patience and compassion. These qualities, rather than being weaknesses, are strengths. Patience and compassion will help foster better understanding between different perspectives while also modeling grace. Even though it’s tempting to insist on being right, grace will take you farther in the aftermath of the conflict.

Remember that they are imperfect human beings, and so are you. That means you and your people will have moments when you say things you regret, step on each other’s toes, and let emotions run high. Even so, God still loves you, and God still loves them. God embraces your imperfections. Practice embracing your own, and theirs.

 

Step #2 Discovering Motivations

When working through conflicts in a church, it’s essential to understand what motivates people. What drives their decisions? What beliefs, goals, or fears are pushing them? When you can successfully discover motivations, you are on your way to successfully bridging differences.

The question is, how do you discover people’s motivations? I suggest that you begin by naming common ground. By finding out what people do agree on, you can begin to discern their points of difference. The truth is, if you listen well enough, people will tell you their motivations.

I have found that it’s often differing motivations, not necessarily divergent points of view, that are the greatest source of conflict in a church. For instance, conflict can arise when someone believes their feelings aren’t being acknowledged, or that their ideas aren’t being taken into consideration. You won’t know any of this, though, if you are talking instead of listening. Listening skills can help break down barriers even more than debating skills. You can only discover people’s motivations in moments of conflict if you really listen!

Also, practice listening to yourself. What are your motivations? Learn to hold them lightly so that you can be of greater service in times of conflict.

 

Step #3 Decoding Conflicts

Once you have identified the motivations driving people in conflict, the next step is to decode the conflict. Again, it may be divergent points of view that are driving the conflict. Even more likely, though, is that it’s behavioral differences. For instance, you might have someone who is highly conscientious about getting tasks done systematically, one at a time, before moving on to another project. That person may be “in conflict” with a fellow task force member whose enthusiasm propels them towards new programs and ideas quickly. Can you see the smash-up that can occur here simply because people prefer to work at a different pace?

But let’s say it’s not behavioral styles that are driving the conflict, rather an actual difference of opinion. In this case, acknowledge the differences that exist, the humanity of each party, and the love of God for all. Then look at the facts, analyze the data, acknowledge the feelings, and keep the conversation focused on finding solutions rather than assigning blame. Rarely is a conflict completely one-sided; it takes two to tango, and sometimes even more. As a leader, you must be willing to look at all sides of an argument and then facilitate constructive dialogue that leads toward resolution.

Also notice your own behavioral preferences or differences of opinion that can draw you as a leader into conflict. Be as careful and honest with yourself as you are asking others to be.

 

Step #4 Strategizing for Success

Once you have embraced imperfections, discovered motivations and decoded conflicts, it’s time to strategize for success. Create a plan for forward movement that includes tangible steps in which others can participate. For instance, create a time together for future dialogue, set up guidelines for frequent communication so hurt or frustration isn’t bottled up, and practice demonstrating respect even in disagreement. Most importantly, celebrate small victories along with the big ones. People need to know that their work makes a difference, and that the joy of community is worth the occasional conflict.

 

Step #5 Praying for Deeper Guidance

Finally, remember to pray for deeper guidance. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in trying to resolve things ourselves that we forget divine guidance is available to us. Tapping into God’s wisdom through prayer allows you to make better decisions as a team. As Christians, it’s crucial that we focus ourselves on higher, common goals instead of each insisting on having things go our way. With God at the center of all we do, we can move forward together in unity.

While you may not pray with your team at work, you can pray for wisdom and guidance to lead with grace, love, and understanding. Part of being a good leader is investing in your people. One of the greatest gifts you can give is to pray for them and their success.

 

Take the Next Step

Being a leader is not easy, but with the right tools and guidance, you can be a successful leader who is capable of resolving problems effectively and turning conflict into opportunities for growth. Remember that every situation has a solution. Even if you can’t see it at first. When you employ the 5 simple steps to handle conflict like a pro—embracing  imperfection, discovering motivations, decoding conflict, strategizing for success, and praying for deeper guidance—you will have the tools to lead effectively.

I will be sharing more tools and solutions in my upcoming course, 3 Steps to Engage Conflict Productively. This course is designed to grow your emotional intelligence in conflict, and help you become a less reactive person. It will not only provide you with best practices for success but also reveal your conflict style. All participants will receive an Everything DiSC® Productive Conflict Profile, Productive Conflict Reference Guide, a copy of one of my latest books, and a great learning community. Conflict can be challenging, but you can make a difference with the right tools and insight! Register here.

 

Copyright © 2023 rebekahsimonpeter.com. All Rights Reserved.

Making the Best of a Bad Situation

What words come to mind when you think of conflict? I recently asked a group of a dozen church leaders. Answers ranged from anxiety, avoidance, and scared, to trying to keep the peace.
We are facing conflict in many ways in our world right now—national, political, ethnic, denominational, and familial. These conflicts heighten the tension in our churches. That can lead to some pretty bad situations.
Jesus offers some processes for dealing with conflict so that it doesn’t turn destructive. The Gospels say things like turn the other cheek, take another person with you when you have to call someone out, or forgive so that you can be forgiven.
But what if you can’t?
I want to introduce you to a process of self-regulation that will increase your capacity to follow Jesus’ counsel. In the world of emotional intelligence, self-regulation is the ability to master your emotions, responses and behaviors.   In other words, with increased ability to self-regulate, you can turn the other cheek instead of hitting back. You can have a calm conversation instead of stomping off and slamming doors. You can forgive instead of seething.
Self-regulation doesn’t make conflict go away. But it does give you the ability to avoid making things worse by turning your destructive reactions into productive responses. Click To Tweet
First, let’s take a look at what actually happens in a conflict situation: Conflict > Automatic Thought > Destructive Behavior.
An automatic thought is an unconscious assessment of what is happening. Automatic thoughts lead to generally destructive behavior. For instance, let’s say someone challenges me.   And that my automatic thought is, “He’s trying to make me look stupid!” In that case, I’m likely to get defensive and self-righteous. I’m going to want to prove my point instead of really listen to what he’s saying. The more I try to prove my point, the more I shut down any conversation. And the more likely he is to think, “#$%* She doesn’t even listen.” That will set up some destructive responses from him. See where this is going?
Instead of going down that path, here’s an emotional intelligence tool that will help you stay calm. In this acronym, each letter stands for an action to increase your self-regulation.
C: Calm yourself. For most of us this means pausing and praying. Or even simply breathing. Breathing gives us a chance to move out of fight or flight, and back into cognitive processes. In other words, it gives us a chance to access wisdom instead of simply reacting.
A: Assess your Automatic Thought. Tune in to your automatic thought. Bring it from the subconscious to the conscious realm. When you become aware of what you’re thinking, you’re on the road to choosing a new thought.
L: Listen to what was actually said instead of how you automatically interpreted it. Discover a new way of making sense of their comments. Listen both with your heart and your head.
M: Make a new response. Now that you have calmed yourself, assessed and listened, intentionally choose to make a new response. Think a new thought. Respond in a new way.
Conflict is a fact of life. At its best, it helps us clarify our values, articulate our needs, and arrive at new insights. At its worst, it tears us apart.
As stewards of the Gospel dream of the Kingdom of God, we owe it to ourselves to increase the love in the world, and not the anxiety; to increase the Kingdom and not conflict. That means we need to master ourselves. To practice self-regulation.
Ready to learn more about how to stay CALM? Join me for my upcoming Mastering Conflict workshop!