The Indispensable Power of Emotional Intelligence

The Indispensable Power of Emotional Intelligence

In today’s world, it has become too easy to be so one-sided that anyone who disagrees with you must be wrong. It seems as if every issue is black and white. There is no room for discussion or questioning. No room for learning about another’s point of view. This mindset is not only detrimental; it’s toxic. In today’s blog, I want to share with you the indispensable power of emotional intelligence, and how it can allow you to build deeper relationships and become a better leader.

 

The Myth About Conflict

Before we get into the components of emotional intelligence, I want to highlight one important misunderstanding. That is, that conflict is inherently negative, or a means for disagreement. By learning how to engage productively in conflict, we open the door for a deeper understanding of how others see the world and allow for richer relationships to develop.

 

The Five Components of Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence includes five components – self-awareness, motivation, empathy, social skill, and self-regulation. Becoming familiar with each will help you not only better understand those around you, but will also help you develop your leadership skills. Below are five simple ways you can incorporate them into your everyday relations.

 

Self-awareness – getting to know yourself at a deeper level. Be aware of your tendencies, tiredness, and need for time-away. Staying tuned in to these three T’s will give you a greater ability to self-regulate and practice empathy.

Motivation – what motivates you, what makes you tick. People along theological and political spectrums want similar things: safety, love, and to live life according to their prized values. We hold common motivations, but what differs is how we believe we will achieve them. Understanding these motivations allows leaders to practice empathy amid chaos.

Empathy – walking in the shoes of another, or deep understanding of what another is going through. I once read on a tea bag: “Be kind. Everyone is fighting a hard battle.” Even as rain falls on the just and unjust, the negativity in our common airwaves affects people indiscriminately. This makes empathy more important than ever. As a leader, you model empathy with people and ask them to practice empathy with others.

Social skill – being able to rally a group to move together in one direction. The most important skill, and responsibility, that you have as a leader is to practice social skills. This has little to do with small talk and more to do with moving people in the same direction. This is leadership that unifies people, a rare commodity these days. Given the divided nature of life, you might not unite people around theology or politics. Instead, tap into common values: the Gospel, the love of God, and the Kingdom of heaven. Bring people back to the vision that Jesus laid out: Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is heaven.

Self-regulation – Self-regulation is choosing how you respond in situations. When you feel your hackles rise, or the perfect retort forming on your tongue, take a moment to breathe. Instead of cutting someone else off, a good way to defuse the moment is to say: “Tell me more.” Listening can help another person re-regulate. Chances are they need to blow off steam, too.

 

You Are Not Alone

I want to remind you that you are not alone. Isolation is the enemy of love so don’t try to go it alone. Personally, my mission is to empower church leaders and the congregations they serve. I invite you to tap into the resources my team and I offer by joining a Creating a Culture of Renewal® cohort! In my three-year group coaching program, you will discover who you are leading, how you are leading, and where you are leading, all while bringing renewal to your congregation and community. New cohorts begin meeting this fall.

 

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What to Leave Out in Conversations about Race

What to Leave Out in Conversations about Race

Law, custom, and even religion are intertwined with racism. It’s so pervasive that it’s not always easy to identify, let alone dismantle. We must approach Constructive conversations about racism with emotional intelligence.

I have written about arriving at workable definitions of racism and the surprising impact of emotional intelligence on racism

Now, let’s talk about what to leave out in conversations about race. Knowing what to leave out is just as important as what to include.

When people are passionate about a topic—whether passionately for or passionately against—unbridled emotion can easily lead to destructive responses. Destructive responses such as belittling, defensiveness, dismissing opinions, and passive-aggressive behavior strip others’ humanity. While these kinds of reactions may feel satisfying, they don’t advance the conversation. Because they don’t dignify people, hard as it may be, it’s best to leave them out.

Using Emotional Intelligence in Constructive Conversations about Race

On the other hand, while perhaps not immediately satisfying, productive responses will get you farther in the conversation. Apologizing, determining the root of the problem, and taking ownership of your part in a situation will help. Giving people space and time, acknowledging others’ feelings, and seeking active resolution will help. Separating emotions from facts, communicating respectfully, listening, and being aware of your senses will help. These are the kinds of behavior that create space for change.

Effective responses can be harder to live than knee-jerk destructive reactions. However, responding in these ways will grant dignity to yourself and the other parties involved. At the heart of it, acknowledging others’ humanity is one of Christian life’s deep values.

Uncomfortable Conversations

Racism is not easy to identify, let alone dismantle. Approach constructive conversations about racism with emotional intelligence. Click To Tweet

Gloria Browne-Marshall, my guest on the Uncomfortable Conversations series, writes in Race, Law, and American Society that “Justice is an ongoing quest. Freedom for people of color in America began as a fight for physical liberty. It continued as a struggle for constitutional protections and remains a battle against forces that would relegate people to a perpetual underclass based on color and tradition.”

Together, let’s weather that battle for Justice with dignity intact. We do this by fine-tuning what kind of behavior to include and what to leave out. Doing the work of transforming racism is too important not to get right.

The Surprising Impact of Emotional Intelligence on Racism

The Surprising Impact of Emotional Intelligence on Racism

Emotional intelligence is a soft skill often prized in the world of interpersonal relationships. Can it be used as a tool to dismantle something as hard and ingrained as systemic racism? My answer is a resounding yes. In fact, I don’t think that the structures, beliefs, and attitudes that form racism can be understood or addressed without it. In this article, I am going to introduce you to the surprising impact emotional intelligence has on racism.  And how your church can naturally expand both its emotional intelligence and its ability to impact racism.

First, let’s define racism. As I write elsewhere, racism is not so much about individual bias or prejudice as it is about systems and structures that reinforce racial bias. In the United States, racism grants extended rights and opportunities to whites while minimizing access to those same opportunities to people of color.  Dr. Camara Phyllis Jones, Past-President of the American Public Health Association asserts that racism negatively impacts every citizen, regardless of race, because it “saps the strength of the whole society through the waste of human resources.”

So how does emotional intelligence make an impact on this persistent problem? Let’s take a look at three key tenets of emotional intelligence: empathy, motivation, and social skill. Then I’ll suggest how your church can tap into these tenets to address the sin of racism.

Emotional Intelligence: Empathy

Empathy is the willingness to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and imagine what it must feel like to be them.  Empathy cracks open the door of white denial of systemic racism. The long list of Black folks who have died due to police brutality, most recently George Floyd, has brought out a wave of empathy amongst people of every race.  This empathy has found expression in innumerable forms of solidarity from demonstrations to protests to intensive studies to calls for de-funding police and re-funding social safety nets.

How Your Church Can Tap into Empathy

How can churches expand and harness the impact of empathy? Remind your people that empathy is a key teaching of Jesus: “Love your neighbor as yourself,” and of Paul: “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.”

Emotional Intelligence: Motivation

Solidarity has led to an awakening. White people in particular are grappling with new understandings of the privilege they have been born into. And the extensive, if hidden, nature of this privilege.  This burgeoning awareness (copies of How to be an Anti-Racist and White Fragility seem to be on permanent backorder) is motivating people to educate themselves. People are learning how and why systemic racism has been perpetuated, a topic Gloria Browne-Marshall and I discuss in the launch of the Uncomfortable Conversation Series. 

How to Motivate Churches to Impact Racism

How can you motivate your church to address racism? First, draw upon resources in the Bible that highlight the importance of doing good “in season and out of season.” This wealth of resources includes the story of Ruth, the story of Esther, the teachings of Leviticus, and the entire life and death of Jesus. Immersed in these teachings, dare to begin your own uncomfortable conversation. Also, join me for the next one on August 5, in which we talk about racism and health disparities.

Emotional intelligence is a skill often prized in interpersonal relationships. Can it be used to dismantle systemic racism? Click To Tweet

Emotional Intelligence: Social Skill

No other component of emotional intelligence has more potential for a positive impact than social skills. Social skill is the ability to motivate others to go in the direction you want them to go.  Another term for this skill is leadership.  As you expand your social skill you can draw others into a positive shared vision of the future, one that undoes racism.

Church, Social Skill, and Dream Like Jesus®

How can church leaders tap into their own social skills?  Learn how to dream like Jesus. Jesus exemplified the very best in social skills. He called disciples, trained apostles, and empowered all kinds of ordinary people to heal the sick, cast out demons, and proclaim the Kingdom.

Churches must wade into troubled waters to accomplish this.  If you want harmony at the expense of uncomfortable conversations, you’re not alone. The fear of losing people or of “being too political” can give churches a good case of laryngitis. But it’s time to grow in courage.

Ethical Not Political

One last tip. Instead of thinking of dismantling racism as “too political,” consider the ethical nature of this quest.  Dismantling racism manifests the Kingdom of God. It brings honor to people. It gives glory to God.  It’s worth the effort.

Still not sure how to expand your emotional intelligence? Reach out to me. You are not alone.

The Peace that Passes all Misunderstanding

Science now confirms what scripture points to: there is a peace that passes all understanding. This peace, researchers have found, couple in conflictemanates from deep within the human heart. It is both measurable and reproducible. I suppose that’s not too surprising. The Biblical traditions equate the heart with feelings like love, peace, and joy.   Here’s what is surprising about the new research: this peace has the capacity to surpass all misunderstanding, too.
You know how being around angry or nasty people can put you in a bad mood?   And how being around laughter is infectious? And how a smile can travel from one person to another? Turns out that’s not just coincidence. It’s the heart’s own emotional intelligence.
Research has shown that emotions emit an energetic wavelength. When our hearts radiate emotions with higher wavelengths—such as appreciation, kindness, compassion, positive regard, joy, delight, and love and peace—we generate more of that into the world. When we radiate emotions with lower wavelengths—judgment, fear, worry, mistrust, suspicion, anger, hate and revenge—we literally create that more of that in the world.   Makes sense, doesn’t it?
Now here’s the cool part. These electromagnetic waves have the capacity to influence others, and to draw them in.   Just as sunlight is made up of waves of energy which travels through air, turning night to day, warming cold bones, and dappling leaves—our emotions influence the people around us. Click To TweetDepending on the feeling we radiate, we can intentionally invite other hearts into either a state of peaceful coherence or a state of jagged non-coherence.
What does all this have to do with church?
First, as a spiritual leader, it is important to make sure your heart is aligned with the energies of peace. The more spiritually grounded and coherent the leader’s heart is–that is, aligned with the peace that passes all understanding—the greater your capacity to radiate that peace to the people and situations around you. You can make a measurable difference.
Second, as your congregation gathers to pray, remember to expand your corporate focus beyond the immediate prayer concerns of your people. Intentionally radiate peace that passes understanding out into the world. This is important on the days that our world reverberates with misunderstanding—outrage, upset, and random acts of violence. Your congregation’s concentrated focus on heart-based prayer can make a measurable difference on a global scale.
Third, teach your people how to stay grounded in prayerful appreciation of all the good in the world. This appreciative stance increases heart-based coherence at every level of society. Notice what is right with the world. Focus on the divine signs and wonders around you. Highlight miracles.
In this way you partner with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit to co-create the highest energies of peace, love and appreciation in the world. Surprisingly, this is an approach that surpass all misunderstandings in the world.
If personal peace is hard to come by, join us in January for a practical, online workshop that will empower you in Mastering Conflict.