conflict Archives - Rebekah Simon-Peter Coaching and Consulting Inc.

Infusing Christmas Love in Conversations and Conflict

by Rebekah Simon-Peter | Dec 27, 2023

Christmas has just passed, leaving behind a trail of excitement, anticipation, and leftover wrapping paper. It’s a time of gathering with loved ones to exchange gifts and enjoy delicious meals. However, as members of the faith community, we must remember that the true essence of Christmas transcends a single day of gift-giving and indulgence. The love of Christmas presents an opportunity to infuse advocacy and activism into our oral traditions.

Advocacy is about celebrating the fullness of Jesus’s Christmas love. You might think of the work of advocacy as just something that happens outside of your family and home. However, conversations with your loved ones can also be powerful tools for promoting love and compassion. You can connect with your friends and family on crucial social issues and inspire them to join you in action. By intertwining advocacy and activism into your post-Christmas conversations, you can forge meaningful experiences that bring you closer and create a lasting impact on the world. You can also use this time to educate yourself on different perspectives and learn to listen actively without judgment. Let’s explore some ways that advocating Christmas love all year can be infused with conversations and conflict.

Infusing Love in Conversation

Love is a universal longing, particularly heightened during the holiday season. Yet, advocating for it can be a year-long endeavor with the people you regularly spend time with. It can be challenging to establish authentic communication amidst the day-to-day hustle but by prioritizing meaningful conversations, you invest in your emotional well-being. It’s never too late to start having more authentic conversations, especially in the days following Christmas.

I would like to provide you with a few suggestions on practical ways to start the conversation:

Discuss Current Events: One of the most straightforward ways to bring up advocacy within your home is to discuss current events during family conversations. You can discuss the ongoing refugee crisis and the importance of supporting displaced individuals. This discussion can initiate additional conversations on how your family can make a difference close to home. Having this conversation will help your family consider supporting relevant charities, volunteering at local refugee centers, or advocating for meaningful reforms, including those related to immigration policies.

Share Personal Stories and Experiences: A powerful way to advocate for social issues is to share personal stories and experiences. Not everyone is fortunate enough to experience post-Christmas abundance. Maybe during a food drive, you spoke with a family or individual who was struggling with food insecurity. You’ve probably also volunteered at a homeless shelter handing out warm clothes and blankets. Talk about the people you met and the stories they shared with you. This will help humanize the issue and could inspire your family members to act.

Initiate Book or Movie Clubs with Advocacy Themes: Another practical way to spark meaningful conversations about advocacy is by initiating a book or movie club focusing on social inequity. Select books or movies that shed light on relevant topics such as gender inequality, racial profiling, LGBTQIA+ phobias, human trafficking, and more. Gather your family and friends for a discussion after reading a book or watching a movie. This can help create a safe space for open dialogue and encourage critical thinking.

Infusing Love in Conflict

Conflict is a part of every relationship. You may find that your friends and family do not share the same views or beliefs as you, and having conversations with them can be stressful. Sometimes a simple misunderstanding can turn into a resentment that will fracture a relationship. Connecting with your loved ones and cultivating deeper relationships built on trust and open communication is essential.

Here are a few tips for fostering meaningful conversations with family and friends that might not share the same views as you:

Set Aside Time to Talk Without Distractions: You can’t have a connected conversation if you are distracted. Turn off the television, put your phone on Do Not Disturb, and find a quiet space to sit and connect. You will be more likely to cultivate understanding in an environment free from all the little interruptions.

Actively Listen: When you listen, seek to understand rather than respond. By listening to what the other person has to say without trying to plead your case, you engage in meaningful conversation. This also allows you to give a safe space to others to communicate their point of view that they may not have elsewhere.

Respect Different Opinions: If everyone had the same opinion, the world would be a boring place. You can think and feel differently about something and still maintain respect and open dialogue with others. When you practice being respectful of differing opinions, you build trust in relationships and open your mind to new ideas.

Share Resources and Information: Learning more about the topic being discussed helps both parties. If it is an issue that matters to you, come to the conversation with information that the other person might not have considered. Offer resources from agencies that focus on the causes that are important to you and let your loved one consider this information on their own.

As we wrap up the holiday season, let us remember the true meaning of Christmas – the giving of love and compassion. While it may be easy to get caught up in the rush of gift shopping and festive parties, remember that this time of year holds so much potential for positively impacting our communities and personal relationships.

My heart is deeply committed to helping churches not only express love but to do so courageously. Courageous love extends its arms to the marginalized, projects a voice for the voiceless, and relentlessly advocates for justice. It is a love that dares to change the world and dares to invite others to join the mission.

I invite you to my upcoming seminar, “How Christian Ministries are Achieving Success: An Introduction to Creating a Culture of Renewal®” on Tuesday, January 2, 2024, between 10:00-11:30 am MT or Noon-1:30 pm ET. This 90-minute online seminar is free and designed for you if you wish your leadership could make a tangible difference for the church, your community, and the Kingdom of God.

From Polarization to Purpose

by Rebekah Simon-Peter | Jun 13, 2023

For three days in an Airbnb rental in a cozy Atlanta neighborhood, my team and I embarked on a spiritual retreat that led us to reflect on polarization. Nine of us worshiped, laughed, worked, played, ate meals, and envisioned the coming year together.

During our time together, we aimed to build team spirit, share organizational knowledge, and strengthen our commitment to a shared vision of the future. However, it wasn’t all high-mindedness. We gathered during a time of increasing disaffiliation from organized religion. Over the years, we have witnessed a growing divide within the church, exacerbated by various issues such as doctrinal disagreements, cultural shifts, and a generational gap. Our retreat became a space for deep reflection and, at times, complaint.

As we reflected upon, and discussed the issues at hand, we recognized that complaining would simply keep us stuck in the problems rather than move us to take action to address them. As leaders, we must not look away from the hard conversations, but be equipped to handle them with grace and humility.

Consider Pastor Katie Saari, a Creating a Culture of Renewal® participant who excels at handling difficult conversations. Recently, her church has been grappling with issues related to human sexuality, and Pastor Katie has taken the lead in shaping the conversation. Previously, leadership at her church was quiet and driven by the laity. Pastor Katie’s willingness to confront narrow-minded views and endless debates has shifted the discourse toward authentic and meaningful dialogue.

She took what had been a polarizing conversation and used it as an opportunity to build relationships, foster unity, and promote understanding. In leading her church through difficult conversations, Pastor Katie has become a role model for handling divided opinions lovingly. Although polarization can hurt faith communities, it doesn’t have to.

This pattern of complaint and lack of action also existed during Jesus’ time. He lived in an era of religious and political polarization. Sadducees and Pharisees held opposing views on faith, culture, biblical interpretation, and relations with Rome. The Zealots and Essenes had their unique perspectives. Each group related differently to the Temple and envisioned different futures for the Jewish people. Those who didn’t align with any specific Jewish party often went unnoticed. Overall, people were upset, torn, and afraid.

In the midst of this polarization, Jesus stood apart from the prevailing narratives. Jesus uplifted a vision for the future that transcended the divisions of the day. This enabled him to gather a diverse following, including tax collectors, Pharisees, independent thinkers, Zealots, Temple authorities, Romans, and non-Jews.

So how did Jesus achieve this? His vision of the Kingdom of God prioritized ethics over politics.

With Jesus as their guide, the apostles couldn’t simply sit around and complain. They had to move into purposeful action. Inspired by this example, our retreat team shifted from complaint to taking accountable steps, moving away from polarization toward embracing Kingdom ethics. Drawing inspiration from Micah 6:8 (NIV) — “He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God” — we made concrete written commitments to act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with God.

Just as partisan politics can be a spectator sport where personal involvement is limited, disaffiliation from the church can create a sense of detachment and disengagement. However, Kingdom ethics requires opening our hearts, minds, and souls to connect with those who have different perspectives and experiences.

This is what Pastor Katie has done in the local church. She led away from division and towards unity. We no longer need to remain in an either/or mindset in most tense situations within the church. Instead, we must learn to embrace both/and solutions. We can provide a space for differing opinions while striving for greater understanding and respect for those different from us. We can use our differences as a steppingstone toward seeking the common good.

When polarization wins, we all lose. But there is an alternative.

There is a way to build thriving church communities that embody God’s love and grace. Join me for a free webinar where I’ll share practical strategies for success and creating a culture of renewal in your ministry.

If you’re ready to work towards transformation together, reach out for a personal consultation to learn how you can be a part of this journey.

Does Your Church Have Laryngitis?

by Rebekah Simon-Peter | Apr 25, 2023

Does your church have laryngitis? You’ll know by how you answer this question: What is your church speaking up about? Or, What is your church known for? If you answered: We are known for being friendly or we welcome anyone, then chances are what you’re really saying is “not much.” In that case, your church may have lost its voice. It may have laryngitis.

As people committed to the Kingdom of God, the Beloved Community, we are also called to make ethical decisions about right and wrong: what you will stand for, and what you won’t.

While laryngitis is mostly benign in humans, it’s usually indicative of a systemic problem in churches. I want to share with you what that problem is, three fears that drive the problem, and three ways to transform the fear so that we can speak with a clear, strong voice.

Losing Our Native Tongue

The problem I see is that churches confuse ethics with politics. If it’s being discussed on the news or in Congress, then it must be politics. For many churches, that means the topic of conversation is now off-limits. But that kind of self-censure limits our ability to speak our native tongue: the language of ethics. Ethics encompasses values, principles, ideals, right and wrong, virtue and sin. Meanwhile, we have left ethics to the politicians. While we claim laryngitis.

I’m not saying that re-claiming our voice is easy. It’s not. Whether we’re talking about chronic poverty, immigration, human trafficking, gay and transgender people, economic injustice, gun violence, or human impacts on the precious planet we call home the ethical issues before us are tough, tough, tough.

Reclaiming its voice is the hardest thing a church will do. But it is also the most freeing. Because it causes us to truly depend on the grace of God, to walk in the footsteps of the great Hebrew Prophets, and to emulate Jesus himself.

Fears

While Adam Hamilton has done an excellent job of “Confronting the Controversies,” I’d like to address 3 fears that often get in the way of churches dealing with ethical issues:

The fear of alienating people through controversy, or causing division, which in turn could mean losing financial givers.
The fear of delving into politics, especially if it puts us on the wrong side of where our people are, either red or blue.
The fear of losing a focus on the love of Christ, or straying too far from the spiritual.

Fear of Alienating People through Controversy: Though the church needs money and tithes to operate, being clear on issues of ethics, is of extreme importance. As a church leader, our congregations listen to, and often, respect us and our views. If we don’t possess the courage to name as sin the assaults on transgender and people of color, or the abuse of immigrants, mass shootings. Or if we are not able to stand up against laws that favor corporations at the detriment of the poor, then are we being true to Christ’s teachings? Are we being true to ourselves and our vocations? We can’t be ambiguous on issues that affect our fellow travelers on this planet, or the planet itself. We must have the courage to risk speaking up.

Speaking Tip #1: It’s not easy to speak truth to power. And sometimes it’s not easy to speak truth to those we know and love, to our faithful congregations. But overcoming the fear of controversy is essential to creating a planet on which we can all live in peace. You may lose people. But you may end up gaining more than you lose. Either way, you’ve done what Jesus would do.

Fear of Politics: I understand the fear of delving into politics. That’s shaky ground and sure to turn off some people. The trouble is, the public arena is where ethical issues are often debated and outcomes determined. I suggest bypassing political parties and personalities while exploring the underlying ethical issues being debated. When we deal with hot issues from an ethical or biblical standpoint, we put things on more neutral ground.

Speaking Tip #2: Dealing with ethics does not mean telling people how to vote or think. It does mean helping people explore the sources that can inform our thinking, especially scripture, experience, tradition, and reason.

Fear of Straying from Christ: People want and need to be grounded in the love of Christ. Dealing with ethical issues actually aids this. I think of ethics as the love of neighbor in action. Why would we leave that to career politicians?

Speaking Tip #3: Frame ethical matters in terms of love. This brings issues back into our territory and allows us to speak with authority and confidence.

The Power of Speech

While Martin Luther King Jr’s example has guided several generations of dreamers, a new incarnation has taken center stage recently, Pope Francis. In his brief tenure, he has managed to speak up on key issues facing the world from re-establishing good relations with Cuba, to living wages, to climate change, to the humanity of the LGBTQ community. Is he dealing with the political? Or the ethical? I’d say its love of neighbor on a grand stage.

Speaking Tip #4: Not sure how to begin speaking up? In the style of the prophets, we can use our voices to ask: Who is hungry? Who is thirsty? Who is rich? Who is poor? Who is included? Who is excluded? Once those dynamics are identified, we can approach it from the perspective of Jesus and his ministry. WWJD?

Finally, be sure to immerse yourself in prayer and study. Let the still, small voice guide you in reclaiming your own voice from the malaise of laryngitis. Who knows…it just might change the world.

If you are having trouble as a Christian leader reclaiming your voice, I would love to help. I have coached many leaders, successfully reclaimed their voice and found new strength in speaking up to injustice in the world. Reach out if you need coaching or just to share your thoughts!

Adapted, updated and reprinted from original posted February 2015.

How to Fail and Still Win

by Rebekah Simon-Peter | Jan 17, 2023

All great accomplishments have one thing in common: failure. Discouraging, heartbreaking failure. Whether we’re talking about the amazing stories in the Book of Acts, the Wesleyan Revival of the 1700s, or the success of a regional megachurch, each one of these “successes” involved failures. Peter and Paul were embroiled in conflict in the book of Acts. John Wesley failed miserably in his work with the Native Americans and lost at love in his own life. Leaders of megachurches have had moral failings. But without these seeming failures, there would also be no memorable accomplishment. So let’s talk about how to fail and still win.

We tend to think of success as being defined by our accomplishments or victories, but it’s the failures that provide us with the wisdom necessary to succeed. The lie we tell ourselves is that the great leaders and movements of the past had it all together, while we struggle and fail. But every leader, movement, and person will fail at some point. That’s simply part of our humanity.

Failure gets a bad name. But failure need not be the end of the story. It is a necessary step to help us learn and grow in our faith journey. The Bible is full of stories of both failure and redemption, from Adam to Abraham, and from Sarah to Hannah, as well as Peter and the disciples. We would hardly call these heroes and sheroes of the faith failures.

As Christian leaders, it’s essential for us to understand how to fail and still win. In order to fail and still win, it’s important to understand the two types of failure. Knowing the difference can help you stay focused, motivated, and successful.

Passive Failure

The first type of failing is passive failure. Passive failure involves not trying or simply settling for the status quo. Passive failure does nothing to advance your goals or propel the Kin(g)dom forward. Rather, it keeps you stuck in a place of complacency where your potential isn’t explored or realized. It’s easy to fall into this type of passive failure because it requires no effort. But if left unchecked, passive failure can lead to stagnation and disappointment in your life and ministry.

We can all point to this kind of failure. We often use phrases to explain it, like, “They are just moving the deck chairs on the Titanic.” We know it when we see it. Worship is lackluster. Your mission projects are repetitive. You sense a congregation-wide feeling of apathy. You manage what you have without risking innovation or breaking new ground. If you are still doing what you did three or four years ago, you may be slipping into passive failure.

The effects of passive failure can be seen in churches: years of declining attendance, no new professions of faith, and a diminishing pool of volunteers. When the only course correction offered is trying harder at doing more of the same, that is a sign of passive failure.

It’s not easy to admit, but I’ve seen this type of passive failure in myself. When I hoped that things would change for the better but took no action to try something new. It’s a painful spot to be in.

Active Failure

The second type of failure is active failure. What sets active failure apart from passive failure is that rather than hoping things will get better if we simply try harder at doing what we’ve always done, we actively take risks. We give it everything we have—our total energy, focus, and commitment. Even so, we still miss the mark.

Yes, it’s still a failure. But this type of active failure brings hope by creating momentum. Even though the result might not have been what we intended, it’s still a win. By giving our best effort towards something meaningful, we will have created some new openings. Perhaps we operated from vision rather than fear. Or collaborated with new community partners. Or raised new funds and involved new people. Active failure is a win because it empowers those around us.

Active failure creates another kind of win: learning from your mistakes. The great thing about trying and failing is that you can figure out how to do things better next time. The same principle applies to us as Christian leaders. We may not consistently achieve our goals immediately or as expected, but failure often gives us the insights and wisdom to succeed.

Every great movie ever made, from Ben Hur to Star Wars to Mulan, includes a story arc of triumph over adversity. The hero fails multiple times before achieving the goal. In these stories, it is failure that helps shape and strengthen the protagonist’s character. This is true not only in the movies but also among the disciples, the early church, and even your church.

How to Get the Most from Your Failures

By understanding that there are two types of failure—passive failure and active failure—you can better prepare yourself for success as a Christian leader by embracing the art of active failing. If you fail but learn something new along the way, that’s a win! If you fail, but create openings for new action, that’s a win, too. So go forth boldly—trusting God—knowing that even if you fail this time, next time may be a huge success. After all, nothing ventured – nothing gained.

It was my failures, not my successes, in local church ministry that prompted me to develop Creating a Culture of Renewal®. I wanted to know how to create a lasting culture shift that moved the church from maintenance to mission, from inward focus to outward focus, and from discipleship to apostleship. This powerful program equips you with all the ingredients necessary to shift the culture of your congregation, no matter the size, denomination, or location. Email Ann at ann@rebekahsimonpeter.com if you’d like to come to an Introduction to Creating a Culture of Renewal.

Is it Possible to Love One Another as Jesus Loves Us?

by Rebekah Simon-Peter | Jan 26, 2022

Lenten Practices

During Lent, we remember Jesus’ command: “Love one another as I have loved you.” My question is: is it still possible to love one another as Jesus loved us? We live in a world of us versus them, a culture of contempt. We are broken into camps around politics, theology, and understandings of race. Don’t forget human sexuality, biblical authority, and denominational structures. Did I mention the pandemic? Frankly, some of us are too tired to even be patient, let alone loving. Even with all that said, I promise you we don’t have to give up on love. In this article, I want to share the top four ways to practice love this Lent.

Does Love Equal Approval?

First, I want to share one common concern. That’s the concern that love means approval. If I am called to love you, but we disagree about fundamental understandings of the world, am I compromising my faith? Am I sending the signal that I approve of what I believe is sinful or unjust behavior?

Here’s what I have found. Loving as Jesus loved does not mean acceptance of behaviors or beliefs. It does however equal acceptance of the other person’s humanity, and their inner divinity. No matter how misguided you think their beliefs and behaviors are. In the end, judgement is God’s domain, not ours.

Now, on to the problem and the solutions: the four ways to practice love this Lent.

Why Loving as Christ Loved is Hard

Polarization tends to beget polarization and it takes us farther and farther from Jesus’ command. Polarization is built on fear and judgement. “I am right, and you are wrong. In fact, you are so wrong that I can’t trust you, talk with you, or even be me when you are here.”

These victim stances have no place in the consciousness of Christ. He ate with sinners. He interacted with Pilate. He did not try to winnow out the “other.” He allowed Judas to remain. He set personal differences aside and, in their place, created community amongst his people.

Four Ways to Practice Love This Lent

1) Practice Looking for Common Value Polarizing constructs are only given life when we act on them. By letting go of “us versus them,” you take the first steps toward loving as Jesus loved, and to creating community. Instead, let polarization dissolve by embracing the opposites, or by finding, identifying, and focusing on common underlying values.

2) Practice Listening When you are with someone you don’t love, listen for their humanity. Put yourself in their shoes. Ask: how has your personal journey brought you to this place? How has it shaped your perspectives?

3) Practice Extending Grace The person you can’t stand to love may look at you the same way you look at them. Surprise them by extending grace. Give them grace to make a mistake, to be on a different journey, to grow in their own timeline, and to be recipients of God’s love, and yours.

4) Practice Praying If you can’t find love within you, ask God to show you how, to teach you how to love them. If that doesn’t work, keep praying.

It’s Possible to Love One Another as Jesus Loves Us

The pandemic has shown us that there is no us versus them. There is only us. People from every walk of life and every country on earth have been impacted by the pandemic. If we hope to come through it with any sense of unity, we have to practice loving one another as Jesus loved us. It’s not automatic; it takes intention. I invite you to take on these four practices this Lent: looking for common values, listening, extending grace, and praying.

We don’t know everything the post-pandemic future holds, but the more we trust God in our approach, the more that we can live by Jesus’ command. Then, the more confident we’ll be knowing that we can survive and even thrive once again.

Excerpted and adapted from Rebekah Simon-Peter’s upcoming book(Market Square Publishers, 2022)

Walk the Path of Healing through Lent

by Rebekah Simon-Peter | Jan 19, 2022

The Covid-19 pandemic has brought about a world of change. Many congregations have been weighed down with grief, resentment, and fear, unable to move forward. This year, I want to show you how to walk the path of healing through Lent. In this article, I’ll share how to move through the stages of repentance, remembrance, acceptance, forgiveness, gratitude, and embracing on each of the six Sundays of Lent.

A Day of Repentance

Repentance means to turn back to God. Recognize how you may have played a part in harming another. Did you push people away with acts of injustice or ignore a neighbor? Did you contribute to acts of polarization or lose the way of hope? Congregational acts of repentance include sending out the prayer of confession and pardon from the United Methodist service of Holy Communion, asking your congregation to read and reflect on it, and bring their contemplations to worship. Read the prayer slowly and deliberately to truly grasp the depth of each line.

A Day of Remembrance

Spend time as a congregation in active remembrance. Remember those who have passed and the gifts that they brought. Remember the ones you could not visit and their seat in the sanctuary. Remember your family members, neighbors, and loved ones who have died because of Covid or other causes. Acknowledge human loss, offer thanksgiving for their legacy, and joy that death is not the end of life. Celebrate Holy Communion as a congregational act of remembering, that at this sacred table we gather together with those on the journey of life and with those who are in our great cloud of witnesses.

A Day of Acceptance

Acceptance tends to be a touchy subject. We saw this on the national stage as the country debated the existence of Covid and the legitimacy of the election process. In the church, acceptance is deeply connected with faith. Degrees of faith tend to be used as a measuring stick for whom we accept and whom we do not. The truth is, acceptance does not mean approval. Acceptance is simply the willingness to recognize what is so, whether you personally believe it is good or not. It is an act of surrender, a way to release control over what we never had control of in the first place. Congregational acts of acceptance include creating a personal or communal “bulletin” board that represents all the changes that have taken place during the pandemic: what has been gained and what has been lost. This “bulletin” board can then become a point for reflective prayer.

A Day of Forgiveness

Forgiveness is necessary when harm has been done. The pandemic has evoked many strong opinions and reactions among us. Whether it is the issue of vaccines and masks, politics and the presidential election, or social distancing and working from home, it feels like a thousand different harms pulled us further away from each other. I’ve spoken to many friends, family members, and colleagues whose sorrow has led to resentment, blame, and judgement. While blame and judgement seem understandable in extreme circumstances, the rancor that lives within is poisonous to your body, mind, and spirit. Forgiveness opens the way for healing to begin. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you condone someone else’s behavior. It means that you are willing to stop carrying the harm within yourself. Congregational acts of forgiveness include prayer for oneself, friends, and enemies, and the surrender of resentment and rancor to God’s loving care.

A Day of Gratitude

Gratitude is the heart’s response to the gifts of God. Although much has been lost during the pandemic, much has also been gained. Amplify the feelings of gratitude within your heart by counting your blessings. Take time to reflect on and recognize all that you can be thankful for, and what you have learned from the changes that have taken place. Congregational acts of gratitude include hymn sings, sharing of testimonies, and acts of service for others.

A Day of Embracing

Embracing is a positive, proactive act that allows one to move forward into a new future. It’s an open heart that can both pray “thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven” and “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” This kind of embracing embodies the unconditional love of God that flows outward to all, no strings attached. Congregational acts of embracing include reciting affirmations of faith, anointing, and speaking new visions into life.

As we approach Lent, which of these congregational acts will prepare your people to receive the gifts of resurrection? Which will bring healing, wholeness, and a renewed awe on this gift we call life? Even though the pandemic is not over, it’s time to look ahead for what new plans God is unfolding. We won’t be ready to receive them unless we repent, remember, accept, forgive, express gratitude, and embrace.

While we can’t rush the process, once we walk the path through these six stages, we can be ready once again to co-create miracles with God.

If you’re ready to take the next step, please join me for Jesus-Sized Dreams for Small-Sized Churches, a three-session workshop where you’ll learn how to Dream Like Jesus and bring renewal to your congregation and community.

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